Fatal Deviation (1998)

A low-budget, Irish, martial arts movie?

If the best actor on set is Mikey from Boyzone then you really need to visit the local Drama groups and rustle up a few performers other than multiple Catweazle lookalikes and thick-eared farmer's boys.

Still, it's really not as bad as it sounds. It has structure, the shots are relatively well chosen, all the martial-arts and action tropes are present and correct, from training montages (including Van Damme's trademark splits), tournament fighting, gun-play, bar fights, car and bike chases, one-liners. It's a lot more professional and effective than Samurai Cop!

The film ends with a series of Jackie Chan style out-takes.

Good fun and nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be.

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John Peel’s Record Box (2005)

Interesting documentary but you do have to put up with the likes of Paul Morley and Elton John every now and then. Get a hankie ready at the end.

"More of the same unpleasant and disorientating racket on tomorrow night's programme. Until then, from me John Peel, goodnight and good riddance."

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The Fall: The Wonderful and Frightening World of Mark E. Smith (2005)

The egotistical, crunchy, intelligent, vindictive, contrary, petty, abrasive, sharp, grumpy, charming, stupid, nasty, repetitive and utterly brilliant world of Mark E. Smith. A wonderful arsehole and this documentary has reminded me that I really need to replace my Fall records.

"I don't know whether he's killing them or what?" -- John Peel, on the large number of past Fall members

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Vampires (1979)

My life in 1979, except I had free school meal tickets.

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Thaco (2008)

Four friends nerd-out over AD&D, GURPS, life and pizza.

Possibly incomprehensible to non-role-players (if you cannot figure out why the title "Thaco" is spelled incorrectly, this may not be the film for you), short, cheaply made, full of hammy acting and in-jokes but good fun for those of us of a lawful-evil disposition.

-- Bolus Gutbucket: Lvl 9 Lawful-Evil Dwarven Warrior (weapon of choice: a cursed, senile Bastard sword)

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Until the Light Takes Us (2008)

An interesting documentary about the Norwegian Black Metal scene: its early days; the church burning, murder and suicide and the resultant media outrage; and where it's heading nowadays.

Anti-church, anti-globalisation, anti-american, anti-homogenisation, anti-christ and unfortunately nationalistic, homophobic and racist. Black Metal is a movement that on the surface has a left-leaning libertarian stance but dig a little deeper and an extreme right-wing tendency rears its ugly head.

If only they could have separated their hatred of christian dogma from christian art, maybe the beautiful stave churches would still be standing.

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Batman: Dead End (2003)

A talent showcase for Sandy Collora. Fun but the edits could have been a little snappier.

Watch it here

Original letterboxd review

Star Wars: TIE Fighter (2015)

A Star Wars short animation similar in style to Battle of the Planets and Ulysses 31. Come off as bit of a music video rather than a short film with a plot but I really enjoyed it.

Watch it here

Original letterboxd review

The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

March Around The World 2015 Challenge - USA. A replacement for Synecdoche, New York which I didn't have access to today.

From the first time I saw the three-bladed sword I knew I'd seen this before. So what does The Sword and the Sorcerer have going for it?

• Conan-like voiceover
• An evil kingdom ruled over by a wicked king... called Cromwell! Damned royalists everywhere!
• A good kingdom ruled over by a hippy called Dick
• A pretty good demon with glowing fingers that should have been in it way more than it was
• A witch
• Pustules
• A hero called Talon. Why are they never called Dave or Susan?
• Badly glued-on beards and moustaches
• Skulking
• A fair amount of blood and gore
• A princess
• Treachery
• Humour
• Bad hair. Really, really bad hair
• Fucking Manimal himself!
• Rats
• The cheesiest most triumphal music ever!
• Boobies, both male and female
• Pretty purple sparks in the final fight scene
• Molestation by snake

And its cons? It gets a little dull in places and the fights are pretty poor, although Simon MacCorkindale seems pretty handy with a blade. What I didn't realise however is how wooden sticks could be so effective against bloody great swords :)

It doesn't have the camel punching of Conan or the sheer awesomeness of Crow from Hawk the Slayer but The Sword and the Sorcerer is a decent low budget bundle of cheese that's worth checking out.

A parting thought: Why the fuck didn't evil king Cromwell kill his architect rather than imprisoning him so he could divulge the castles secrets? He killed, or at least tried to kill, every other fucker!

Talon! Talon! Talon!

Original letterboxd review

Dr. Grapefruit (2015)

A man builds a Heath Robinson looking time-travel device out of wire, a George Foreman grill and a grapefruit. The camera dropping out of focus mirrors the man's loss of sanity, but towards the end the focus tightens and, as the man disappears, we question was he crazy or were we for doubting the possibility?

I loved the vaguely Middle-Eastern music seguing into choral into synth pop-folk. Also loved the mighty sideburns - I have a pair that are about 30 years old! There was one problem though: near the start of the film the man looks up directly into the camera, which I found jarring.

A very enjoyable film and Eli's first with a narrative. Whatever next!

Watch it here

Original letterboxd review

What’s Opera, Doc? (1957)

Just the most perfect animated film. The rather plump horse, the bastardised Wagner, the lyrics (smog!), the animation. When I was starting out in programming I wrote an Elmer Fudd filter that turned my emails into Fudd speak :) I don't think my boss approved. Beautiful and really fucking funny.

"Kill the wabbit!"

Original letterboxd review

Samurai Cop (1991)

A cheap as fuck buddy cop movie staring Matt Hannon as Joe Marshall. Joe is a maverick. Joe gets the girls. Joe has long hair and orange skin. Joe explains everything as it's happening. Joe is a chicken thief. Joe is Samurai Cop!

Samurai Cop has some of the craziest editing, framing, dialogue and acting I've ever seen in a film. It has a terrible fight choreography. It has obligatory, panties on, sex scenes. It has the same dialogue used over and over and over again. It has chins chopped off in pretty much every close-up. It has so many WTF moments I lost count. It has everything I want from a bad film.

Film-making incompetence on a grand scale and recommended to everyone who loves complete shit.

"Shoot! Shoot him!"

Original letterboxd review

The Survivalist (1987)

The Survivalist: An ode to gun worship and paranoia in a world gone mad.

"The only difference between Vincent and me is he's a high-minded guy. He can afford high ideals and I'm a country boy who can't. I can't even afford reality, and reality's shit!"

There are so many things to love about this film:

• The way the US turns into a lawless country full of murder, mayhem and chaos after a small suitcase nuke is detonated in the arse-end of Siberia. Why?
• How.. slowly... can... the... Presidential... Spokesman... speak?
• The National Guardsman (Marjoe Gortner) in charge of the "sector" is allowed to ride around on a chopped hog. A while later we discover that the National Guard are a bike gang who ride chopped hogs and dirt bikes!
• The hero (Steve Railsback) is so wee and little compared to the testosterone injected walnut sacks normally in films from this period.
• The police hide and do nothing while the city burns.
• Cliff De Young - one of those faces you immediately recognise and say "What do I know him from?"
• Sandra Lea is absolutely awful as Railsback's wife. Really, really bad.
• Inappropriate and ill fitting music.
• Seems to be based on The Survivalist books by Jerry Ahern I read when I was a kid. They just changed the hero's name and he doesn't wear mirror shades.
• Marjoe Gortner's hair.
• Marjoe Gortner is awesome!
• What to do if you ever feel threatened by bikers riding too close: drive, on purpose, over a conveniently placed dirt ramp, roll your truck, then burn to death as it explodes for no reason.
• Why are dozens of men and a helicopter tasked to find Steve Railsback?
• The doctor's hissy fit when he tries to go his own way.
• Cars explode for no reason.

One of my favourite scenes is at 1:14:30. I can't say anything else without giving the whole plot away, but... how the fuck do you think he's going to react you morons! Watch it and you'll see what I mean.

The Survivor is a little slow at times but overall it's great fun with exploding cars, lots of guns, biker soldiers, a likeable cast and Marjoe fucking Gortner!

I've a link to it on my Trash on youtube list if you fancy watching it.

Original letterboxd review

Heavy Metal Parking Lot (1986)

A short doc of American kids in a parking lot waiting to see Judas Priest. That's it.

The Year, 1986. the year of false metal and poodle hairdosl. Not saying Priest were hair metal - they weren't and they're not - but everyone else seemed to be. To put things in context, I was watching Public Image Limited in '86. Sure I love metal and was a huge metalhead back in the early 80s, but then the make up and hairspray came in and I looked ridiculous with a perm. So I know the period, I know the music. Will I be offended by Heavy Metal Parking Lot? Bollocks I will!

It's starts with "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" - awesome! Give me "Breaking the Law" as well and I'll walk away happy. So we got lots of bare chests, zebra-stripe shirts, pimp hats, mirror shades, bandanas, tight dresses, shit cars, and some bad, bad hair.

What I want to know is; where's the designated driver?

The first lovely couple to speak? Man: I'm Dave and I'm 20 years old. Woman: Dawn, and I'm 13. Dave then sticks his tongue down the 13 year old's throat. On camera. Next we have drug guy. What drugs are you on? "Yeah, drugs man! Everything". Right. If he was on acid, as implied, there's no way he'd that coherent. Fuck off home to mummy. Next: to a young woman, what would you do if you saw Rob Halford right now? "I'd jump his bones". Well, there's a relationship that'll never happen.

It's easy to take the piss in hindsight, but I've had my share of crappy haircuts. I've had a mullet, mohawk, indie bowl, a Ramones. I even had hair down to the bottom of my shoulder blades. I've worn lace up black jeans, I had a Snake Plisken shirt, red and black striped trousers. I had bandanas. I never had a perm though, Never. Shut up.

This is fucking Wayne's World for real. It's not up there with Decline of Western Civilisation II but it's close and, hey, dead friends do have a use, and Rob Halford has the biggest balls in metal.

Watch it here but be prepared for a shock at around 17:46.

Original letterboxd review

Starcrash (1978)

Luigi Cozzi brings us a Star Wars “inspired” sci-fi movie. Notice the word "cheap" wasn't in that sentence. One of the many weird things about Star Crash is how Cozzi spent $4 million on this film and still managed to make such a mess of it. Star Wars itself only cost $11 million and Under the Skin was recently filmed for a meagre $8 million.

The incredibly badly delivered opening dialogue sets our expectations right at the start. From the spaceships made from cardboard boxes and toilet rolls to the terrible editing that destroys whatever plot there was. Starcrash is a veritable galaxy of inept, cheesy goodness. And the dialogue. Oh, the dialogue: "Scan it with our computer waves", "Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!", "Destroy the floating spaceship approaching us".

Here’s some highlights:

• Joe Spinell channelling Ming the Merciless.
• Stella Star? really?
• During the prison scene everyone, except Ms Star, wears brown rags. Stella meanwhile sports a lovely pleather bikini.
• Akton, the navigator, looks like Barry Manilow with a bubble perm.
• What the hell was Christopher Plummer thinking?
• This film has some of the worst stop-motion animation I've ever seen.
• TV kung-fu!

Luigi Cozzi really was the master of cheap-ass remakes of big budget blockbusters (see my review of Contamination), and you either love him or loathe him. Personally, I think the world would be a much sadder place without his great big steaming piles of crap.

Intrepid space warriors can watch it here.

Original letterboxd review

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

A film whose reputation is built on two things. One: the short and completely batshit crazy performance by Desiree Gould as Aunt Martha. Two: the final twist ending. Does the film offer more than just these two scenes?

Unusually Camp Arawak really does look like I imagine an American summer camp to look like. For one, unlike many of the other camp slashers, it's full of kids, and I mean kids, not twelve 20 somethings acting like 16 year-olds.

The kills are telegraphed in advance so we know what's going to happen and anticipate the action. They are however efficient, imaginative and of high quality.

Some of the campiest (excuse the pun) camp outfits ever seen in a slasher. We've got muscle shirts, crop-tops, tight satin shorts, denim cut-offs, fishnet t-shirts. The whole film is is chock full of homoerotic scenes and the sexual politics, although incredibly fucked up in one particular scene, can also be quite interesting (macho males dressing and acting like the very people they hate and deride). There's also some great proto-mullets.

Worst thing: the open mouthed madness at the end. It's hard to discuss this without a MAJOR spoiler but if they'd shown a little vulnerability instead of insanity a huge problem that a lot of people have with the film would have been fixed.

So is the film better than just the two things? Most definitely yes. It's well paced, the acting is okay for the most part, the killings are superb. Sleepaway Camp is a great addition to the summer camp slasher film sub-genre.

Best thing: Felicia Rose's stare, She really is terrific and I can see why she's so popular at horror conventions.

Original letterboxd review

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Wikipedia reports that Manos is "widely recognized to be one of the worst films ever made". It's also one of the most wonderfully trashy films ever made.

Every scene and every cut is four times longer than it should be to fill time. Everything, and I mean everything is fucked in this film; the editing, framing, shot choice, acting, set decoration, dialogue, film stock, colour, sound, structure, everything except the mighty Torgo and the pretty good post-bop jazz score is fucked. And then there's the slapping. What the hell is it with the slapping. Everyone is slapping everyone else. It's a slapfest! I loved it.

Favourite moment: Torgo's death by slapping and rubbing.

Watch it here

Original letterboxd review

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

Why is there an empty shed with fucking great big bed in it? Why is there a man in a box behind an Aubrey Beardsley painting? Why did the couple walk to the arse-end of nowhere with a candle in their pocket? Why did the food dissolve into a bath of fizzy coke? Why does a bed snore? Why is the blond girl pulling a Jan Brady? Why is there a girl lying in a coffin with a gold book in her hands? What is that continuous oscilloscope noise? Why does Jan Brady frighten the bed? Why is the bed filled with piss and blood? Why a bed getting turned on by a half-dressed Jan Brady? Why did Jan's mirror break for no reason? Why does Jan get served bugs in her dream? Why is Jan bleeding from her toes? Why is Serrano's Piss Christ in this film? Why do red flowers appear outside the shed and why is there a skull in the roots? Why does the bed now have a stomach upset? Why, if you bring a small picnic do you have a huge jar of gherkins? Why is there an old woman reading about "Oral Lesbians"? What does the Tropic of Cancer have to do with anything? Why did they try to shoot the bed? Why are they reading a blank book? Will that woman ever stop groaning? Why does the other woman not care that her friend was just eaten by a fucking bed? Why is there an eyeball rolling down the bed? Why is there a naked woman and a man with no hands in a magical funeral pyre? And finally, why is a fucking piece of furniture eating people?

All these questions and more will be answered by watching Death Bed: The Bed that Eats!

A well made piece of surreal horror exotica. I wish Jean Rollin could have made films this good.

Thanks to Daria for suggesting this and fucking with my Ch'i. Outstanding!

Watch it here

Original letterboxd review

Eye Contact (2014)

The beauty and possible danger of the night. We start to feel worried for the subject. The paranoia. The loneliness. Shifts into something more sinister... or is it? I've walked home at night behind a woman and can imagine how they must feel with a strange man behind them, seemingly dogging their foot steps. But then eye contact is made and we're back to stalking territory again. Is it infatuation? Does it matter? Then we feel a palpable sense of dread as the stalking continues. The streets are narrower, poorly lit. The pace increases and the stalking becomes a terrifying chase.

For once out of focus shaky cam works. I really enjoyed this one. Total atmospheric immersion. Well done Eli!

Original letterboxd review

Hide and Go Seek (2014)

Great camera work and some really nice framing. Eli, did you know a black dog is a portent of doom or death? Sinister undertones in such a beautiful place. Not sure about the masks. Do they symbolise some sort of afterlife? Did the girls die in the woods? Did the second die searching for the first? Again, a beautifully shot, atmospheric short that suggests themes without trying to cram a plot into such a short time span.

Original letterboxd review