The Last Flight of Noah’s Ark (1980)

If this was filmed in the 1960's with John Wayne and Kate Hepburn I probably would have liked it a lot more.

Original letterboxd review

It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002)

The Muppets do It's a Wonderful Life. Is it great? Well, I laughed out loud quite a few times. It does do that thing I hate: ncluding adult orientated jokes, but hey it's the muppets, so I'll let them off a few indiscretions. I came close to adding an entire star for Joan Cusack who I have a wee crush on. It's a short review so, to whip up some controversy, here's the cast in order of loveliness.

• Joan Cusack
• Sam the Eagle
• Kermit
• Lew Zealand
• Rowlf the Dog
• Beaker
• Miss Piggy
• The Chickens
• Pepe the Prawn
• Statler & Waldorf
• Bobo the Bear
• Animal
• Sweetums
• Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
• Swedish Chef
• The Great Gonzo
• Fozzie Bear
• Rizzo the Rat
• Floyd Pepper
• Johnny Fiama
• Janice
• Dr. Teeth
• Sal Manilla
• Bean Bunny
• Robin
• Scooter (everybody hates Scooter)

Original letterboxd review

Deck The Halls (2006)

Watched while cooking dinner so I wasn't paying a lot of attention.

I think it was about lightbulbs or something. Danny DeVito had a blonde sexy wife because that's funny because he's short and everything. An obvious happy ending and I guess that's what we want from a Christmas film. We need to know everything will be ok in the end, but... It's no Elf.

There was a Lego: Friends advert at the end which was way more offensive, so yay for Broderick and DeVito and fuck Lego!

Oh, three glasses of red and a bottle of dark beer :)

Original letterboxd review

Speed Racer (2008)

I've never been much of a car or racing fan and really don't understand the anthropomorphising of cars (if I hear someone referring to a Nissan Micra as a "her" or giving a Punto a name I want to punch them in the face) but I thought I'd give the film a shot as I got it dead cheap and needed something to watch with a disengaged brain. After five minutes I felt like I'd been staring at the sun for a week. My retinas are now fused. Nine minutes into the film and my eyes don't know what to focus on and there's a chimp is in the audience and I don't know what's happening. Ten minutes and the disc's ejected. Sorry.

Original letterboxd review

Ender’s Game (2013)

A distinctly average kids space opera let down on several sides whilst containing some decent ideas.

The best = a Maori Ben Kingsley

The worst = Nonso Anozie's extremely wooden, and almost CGI like, Sergeant Dap

Original letterboxd review