The Black Cat (1981)

Lucio Fulci does Midsomer Murders.

Bad things about cats

• They shit in your garden.
• They climb your curtains and your wife's legs.
• They steal your elderly neighbour's roast beef.
• Trying to get two of them in a box to take to the vet is a Gordian knot sized problem.
• Until you check, you can never be entirely sure if the little fuckers are alive or dead.
• They are the harbingers of death and leave misery in their wake.

Good things about cats

• They are not wasps.

Nope-Tober: Random Shit for an Ill-disciplined Mind

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The Funhouse (1981)

Why is it that the things that are supposed to fill us with joy have this weird filmic flipside of death and horror? Carnivals, clowns, ventriloquist dummies, holidays, magicians, sex, drugs, James Corden; they may all sound fun but trust me kids, they're not!

I'd love to see a British take on a funfair horror film with aging, greasy-quiffed Teds, fags dangling from their lower lips taking on tramp-stamped and Hilfiger-clad staffie walkers with crooked air-rifles and hook-a-duck poles while a distorted and stretched 30-year-old 'Now That's What I Call Music' tape plays over the PA. Starring David Essex, Alvin Stardust and Phil Daniels. Ringo Starr would die first.

10 out of 10 for the carnies, production design and puppets but the rest is pretty average and the monster is a bit shit.

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The Brides of Dracula (1960)

Brides of Dracula has no Christopher Lee but instead stars David Peel as blonde, Drac-a-like, Baron Meinster. But at least Peter Cushing's here and Cushing does what Cushing does best - the bounciest and most athletic Van Helsing we all know and love.

Jack Asher as DP shoots like Bava and the film is vivid and full of purples and reds and yellows. The sets are wonderful and how they managed to create those European villages mansions and castles in a small country house in Berkshire, I'll never know. The dressers, sculpters and technicians all deserve medals. A beautiful film.

There are so many memorable performances apart from the aforementioned Cushing. Peel is excellent as Drac... ahem, Meinster and starts as boyish and charming but swiftly turns cruel and quietly commanding. Yvonne Monlaur is very, very French and vulnerable as his Bride to be. Andree Melly as Gina, another bride, is beautiful in a wide-eyed Barbara Steele way. Normally I dislike comic-relief in horror films but Miles Malleson as Dr. Tobler was pretty funny and didn't irritate me all all. I kept expecting Martita Hunt's Baroness Meinster to exclaim "A handbag!". But, out of all these great performances the one that will stick in your memory is Freda Jackson as Greta/Frau Blücher; insane, cackling and hilarious.

Hammer managed to cram a huge amount of vampire mythology into this film that would pave the way for further excursions into Transylvania and I love the way they were so creative with their vampire deaths. Nowadays Brides of Dracula would be considered quite tame (how times change - the original X certificate has been reduced to a 12) but it still has plenty of gothic chills - the scene where a newly created bride claws her way out of her grave is great. There are occasional scenes of gore though including some very good holy water burns. And what a score!

If there is a fault, it has to be the decision to have a blonde vampire. Blonde... really? I'll have no truck with blonde vampires!

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Frankenstein (1931)

Isn't it is a little ironic that the creature created by the modern Prometheus is afraid of fire? And that laboratory would never pass a Health & Safety audit!

Sure, it's the Reader's Digest edit of Shelley's tale but this 85-year-old mixture of German expressionism and American shock is still effective and deserves to be seen by everyone if only to see Boris Karloff's terrific performance as the monstrous and pathetic creature. Then there's the hanky-pulling ending - there's nothing like a baying mob to send chills down your spine!

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The Raid (2011)

BRUTAL!

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Madhouse (1981)

Two twins. Julia, a beautiful saint who works with deaf kids, and Mary, a deformed psychopathic killer, reunite after many years apart! But wait... there's a twist!

A slow but well-crafted Giallo-tinged slasher that can be quite unnerving at times and has a great finale - yes, I even liked the dog hand-puppet! There's a decent amount of blood with a face smashing, some dog kills, stabbings and a nice hatchet job.

Not bad at all.

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Abby (1974)

A Bishop/archaeologist visiting Nigeria unleashes an ancient African god of sexuality which takes up residence in his pious daughter-in-law Abby, who then proceeds to puke on and molest her family, friends and random disco-dancing motherfuckers.

Abby is frequently hilarious and not, in any way, shocking (unless you find occasional bad language shocking) or horrific (unless you find wind fans and a subliminal Green Goblin horrific) with a groovy soundtrack and a messed up anti-sexual liberation subtext. I was expecting a cheap, crappy Exorcist clone but it's a lot better than that.

So kids, dig out those purity rings and go watch Abby but no snuggling in the back-row, you hear!

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Deadbeat at Dawn (1988)

With Deadbeat at Dawn, One-man-army (writer, director, actor, editor, makeup, stuntman) Jim VanBebber created one of the finest ultra-low budget films ever made.

A brutal, crank-fuelled, nihilistic, nightmare of an action film. Even better than you think it's going to be.

Just remember kids, crime does not pay!

Nope-Tober: Random Shit for an Ill-disciplined Mind

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Burial Ground (1981)

Burning zombies, awful dubbing, Michael, scantily dressed ladies, terrible dialogue, Michael, maggots, icky body fluids, zombies with tools, rampant canoodling, intestine munching, Michael, a completely nonsensical plot, incest, Michael, decapitation, climbing zombies, inappropriate breastfeeding, zombie monks, Michael.

As wonderful and skanky as the rubber-masked and latex encrusted zombies are, they pale into insignificance once you've met Michael! A man-child so weird and spooky that the term 'uncanny valley' just doesn't do him justice. He's at the bottom of an uncanny crevasse, deeper and darker than the Mariana Trench!

At the 30 minute mark, you're thinking "how the fuck can they keep up this pace for another hour?" but it just keeps on giving! Could this be the perfect Italian zombie film?

I'm left with a migraine-inducing amount of questions but...

1) What the fuck was a bear-trap doing in the garden?
2) Why is green paint so flammable?

Fucking bonkers!

"You're getting a raise from me all right, but it has nothing to do with money."

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Nosferatu (1922)

Nearly one hundred years old and Max Schreck's Count Orlok is still the scariest of all screen vampires, with Barlow from Salem's Lot (who seems to be based on Orlok) coming a close second. Not just a great of silent cinema but a great film full stop and a corker of a Dracula adaptation.

As much as I loved the colour tints on this Masters of Cinema Blu-Ray which do a great deal to smooth out the time-worn rough edges of the print, I think I may have to get the BFI Blu-Ray as well as they go with a raw and mostly B&W restoration which seems to give the film a slightly more sinister quality.

"Listen to them, the hyenas of the night. What music they make!" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?

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The Reflecting Skin (1990)

A prairie fairytale full of biblical symbolism (Cain/Cameron, Abel/Aben, Seth and there's more than a touch of Lilith to Lindsay Duncan's Dolphin Blue) and stunning imagery, told through the warped eyes of a child. The film reminded me a lot of the strange, almost-real world narrated in Tom Wait's Kentucky Avenue.

The Reflecting Skin has more than a touch of David Lynch and Terrence Malick and is stylised, off-kilter, strange, horrifying, funny and touching with a beautiful Samuel Barber-like score. A child's tale of abuse, neglect, loss, religion and sexuality.

EDIT: I've been thinking about the score and I think there's a lot of Gallipoli in it as well.

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Whistle and I’ll Come to You (2010)

James Parkin, having recently placed his wife into a nursing home, decides to head to one of their old haunts to try and recapture some sense of their past together.

This loose but interesting adaptation of the M.R. James short story is about loss. Loss of the wife he knew, loss of mental faculty, loss of time and place, loss of what was.

The small cast consisting of John Hurt, Gemma Jones, Lesley Sharp and Sophie Thompson are, as expected, terrific. There's a bit too much over-reliance on spooky objects for my liking and the ending is pretty obvious but this adaptation is very good nonetheless.

I have one whinge. Why doesn't the title sequence mention M.R. James? Is says "Written by Neil Cross" but there's no "Adapted from", "Based on" or anything! The only mention is in the credits, which, as far as I'm concerned, is not enough.

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Number 13 (2006)

How the opening of a hidden letter can seal a man's fate. A tale of curses, witchcraft and a missing room.

Whereas in previous adaptations, James's heroes/victims tend to be, with a few exceptions, fairly likeable academics caught up in their own little world, this time we have Greg Wise as Professor Anderson, an egotistical and supercilious historian. An easy man to dislike and to help us there's lawyer and bon vivant Edward Jenkins (played by Tom Burke), acting as a foil and irritating Anderson with his every act. David Burke makes a welcome return as the hotel landlord after his appearance in the previous A View From a Hill.

More heavy-handed (the sound design isn't exactly subtle and the feel of the film is reminiscent of The Haunting) than A View From a Hill but this works in the film's favour, slowly building the tension until the quite physical conclusion and the cracking of an Oxford don's empiricism. Good stuff!

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A View from a Hill (2005)

Onwards to the newer, revival Ghost Stories for Christmas and backwards to M.R. James.

Museum curator, Dr. Fanshawe, borrows a pair of binoculars seem to show scenes from the past and thus starts a tale of the dissolution of the monasteries (nicely linked to the decline of the aristocracy in the early 20th century), obsession, hangings and rural horror.

Casualty's Mark Letheren puts on a good show as the uncomfortable fish-out-of-water Fanshawe. Pip Torrens as the local squire reminded me a bit of Hugh Laurie's characters from his days in Fry & Laurie and as Bertie Wooster. David Burke deserves a special mention as the stoic butler, Patten who provides the much-needed clues that bring past deeds to light.

There's some nice photography that captures the feel of the countryside in late winter (the Gorse is flowering) and the claustrophobic terror that a night in the woods can bring. For a change, we get good production values and some great props. It's also nice to see that they seem to get James's occasional and subtle humour.

While not particularly grisly, A View From A Hill is a fine James adaptation and a worthy start to the short Christmas Ghost Story revival.

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The Ice House (1978)

Another M.R. James'less story.

A country spa where the rich go to get away from it all and never want to leave.
More of a Tale of the Unexpected with touches of The Prisoner's surrealism than a Christmas Ghost Story.

The precise and formal dialogue works very well and gives the film an otherworldliness and constant sense of unease. In fact, pretty much every shiver the film delivers is conveyed by the dialogue and the way that it is spoken. Very clever.

The Icehouse is a very strange and creepy little film.

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